Deep thoughts, by me.

My hubby has been working out of town a lot lately, and every time he is gone I use that time to do a house project, clean and organize, and I do a lot of thinking. I miss him so much and get so lonely that what else is there to do?

I've been thinking lately that I feel like sometimes I don't live MY life. Sure, I'm living, I do the day to day. I do a LOT with/for my kids, and I live for my hubby. But I sometimes get to thinking, am I living MY life.

Of course the kids and my hubby are my life, and I enjoy serving them, I really do. But with Avery starting Kindergarten next year, it leaves a hole in me. All my kids will be in school next year. Sure she will only be gone for 2 and a half hours, but I have never, in the last 11 years, had 2 and a half hours to be by myself every day, and get to choose what I want to do.

That is where my dilemma comes in.

What do I want to do?

Sometimes I feel like I can't do things, like I shouldn't even try to start something, it's not the right time, I am too busy, I shouldn't spend the money,......... And sometimes I feel like it's just not something I can do. Sure, lots of other woman do, but I always put so many limitations on myself.

I can't do that anymore. I have kids that are old enough to realize that Mom puts limits on herself, I don't want them putting limits on their lives. I so desire that my kids grow up knowing that they can do anything, and that life is precious and they need to enjoy it and experience it the way our Heavenly Father wants us to.

I read this story when I was in my early teens and I have ALWAYS remembered it,....

Satan's Garage Sale

Once upon a time, Satan was having a garage sale. There, standing in little groups were all of his bright, shiny trinkets. Here were tools that make it easy to tear others down for use as stepping stones. And over there were some lenses for magnifying ones own importance, which, if you looked through them the other way, you could also use to belittle others, or even one's self. Against the wall was the usual assortment of gardening implements guaranteed to help your pride grow by leaps and bounds: the rake of scorn, the shovel of jealousy for digging a pit for your neighbor, the tools of gossip and backbiting, of selfishness and apathy. All of these were pleasing to the eye and came complete with fabulous promises and guarantees of prosperity. Prices, of course, were steep; but not to worry! Free credit was extended to one and all. "Take it home, use it, and you won't have to pay until later!" old Satan cried, as he hawked his wares.

The visitor, as he browsed, noticed two well worn, non-descript tools standing in one corner. Not being nearly as tempting as the other items, he found it curious that these two tools had price tags higher than any other. When he asked why, Satan just laughed and said, "Well, that's because I use them so much. If they weren't so plain looking, people might see them for what they were." Satan pointed to the two tools, saying, "You see, that one's Doubt and that one's Discouragement -- and those will work when nothing else will."

So last week the kids and I were having a lot of lazy days. When Daddy's gone I tend to not want to do things without him. But on this day I decided that we were going to drive up to the mountains and have a fun evening.

So we packed up a snack and went on our merry way. We drove about an hour out of the canyon, and we arrived at our destination. It was beautiful. We hiked around for a bit, had some snacks, took some pictures, picked some wild flowers. Part of me felt like something was missing, and something was, Daddy. But I realized that it was okay. The kids and I have such a close bond, and it's okay to build on that even when Jason isn't with us.

I think this next year is gonna be good for me. Sure, it's scaring the ba-jee-bee's out of me, but new things always scare me. I am going to embrace this new stage of my life. This new time for me to find me again, for this time for me to grow a bit more independent.

I always feel like I can't do anything because the kids always need me, hubby needs me, so I just put things off. I think the truth is,........I need them! They are all fine with going off to school and work. It's me that doesn't know what to do with myself!

Pictures we took on our "adventure."