Spring

Spring brings something special to the soul that no other season brings.

I think Spring represents hope and life.

Flowers bloom, the kids can play outside all the day long, and our favorite, seeing all the new baby farm animals up the street. We got to see and pet a brand new baby horse.

We clean out our house, the cars, the garage. We put away winter clothes and break out the summer box. We open up the windows. We give everything a fresh new start.

This Spring, I feel the hope and life.

I have been so down the last couple of months. I spent a long time not wanting to do anything. I was sick, and I was in a lot of pain. Living with a chronic condition that causes physical pain was just too much for me this winter. The pain kept me up all night, which meant I would try to sleep during the day. I found myself in bed with Ava watching cartoons more than I would like to remember.

For most of January I didn't really get out of bed at all. I would have Jason get up with the kids and get them ready for school and make their lunches. I didn't get dressed or get ready for weeks. I didn't eat very well. I couldn't sleep very much. It hurt so much to get out of bed just to walk to the bathroom on some days. I just kinda sat there, and did........... I honestly don't know what I did for all those months. Jason stayed home a lot because a.) he didn't have a lot of work, and b.) he knew I wasn't doing too well. I missed soccer games, I missed putting the kids to bed, I missed the class Valentines Day party, I missed too much.

Some days I would tell myself that I NEED to try harder. I need to get up, I need to deal with the pain, I NEED to be a good Mom. And other days I would tell myself that everyone understood what I was dealing with and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

I felt like I was maybe going crazy because some days I just didn't care. And then the next day I would care SO much, but felt like it was too hard to get back to life again.

Well about a month and a half ago I decided I needed to get back to being a Mom and a Wife. And I slowly started feeling like myself again. I started getting up with the kids and getting them ready for school. It took awhile to want to get myself all dolled up, but I just let myself do as much as I could. I started playing with Ava again instead of watching movie after movie. I made a few dinners. I started going to all the soccer days again. At first I was kinda faking it. Just doing it because I decided I needed to. But then it got to where it felt natural again. I started feeling like me again!

Then a few weeks ago I was talking with a friend and something hit me. Yes, I am in pain, but that is NOT who I am. I am not going to let that define what kind of Mom I am!!! I have every reason to want to get out of bed in the morning. I have every reason to enjoy my life, my kids life's. I have every reason to live through my pain.

Sure, I WILL have days when it will be to much for me and I may have to stay in bed all day, but I'm okay with that. I'm not super Mom. But I am a Mom, and I need to make myself have more good days than bad.

The past few weeks have been really good. I actually think my family has forgotten about the "me" I have been. I keep apologizing to Jason about the past few months and he keeps saying "It wasn't that bad." The other day I needed a nap so bad, but I felt so guilty about taking one, Blaise could tell I wasn't feeling well, and he said, "Mom, let's just all go lay down and read books, and if you fall asleep, that's okay."

I am so grateful for my family. I feel so blessed to have their understanding and patience. Not once during "the dark days" did any of them get upset with me, tell me to "snap out of it" or make me feel guilty. In fact, I think they kind of enabled me! hee hee.

I am so GIDDY to finally feel like myself again.

I feel hope.

I feel life.

It's Spring.