Impossible

I don't really know where to start. All I know is I have just had this feeling that I needed to write something on this blog.

I have missed writing about a lot. Missed games, end of school, recitals, I still haven't blogged Christmas or New Years. I've missed a lot.

Now it feels silly to go back and document that stuff. Now it seems impossible to go back. Now, all I want, is to go back.

I want to go back to the day I found out I was pregnant. My very first emotion was joy. I smiled as I looked at those two lines on the stick. My heart fluttered. I was excited, and nervous, and anxious, and giddy.

I want to go back to the first doctor's visit when they confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. Pregnant with my fourth child. Our fourth, who was going to be 6 years younger than our youngest. That we were in fact doing it all over again. Diapers, sleepness nights, cribs and strollers. We would need everything. Blaise was excited to hold his new baby. Caiden was excited to be the first person to make the baby laugh. Avery was excited to be a big sister. I was excited to be doing it all over again.

I want to go back to the day we had our first ultra-sound. Our baby was sucking it's thumb. Our baby was growing, our baby had a heart-beat, our baby was real.

I want to go back to the day that we were told that our baby looked like a girl. Jason and I drove home so excited about having another sweet girl in the house.

I want to go back to feeling her move inside me. To talking to my baby all day long. To pray for my baby every day so that everything would be okay. To rubbing my belly and letting my baby know that I was thinking of her and loved her so much already.

I want to go back to talking all night with Jason about what we thought our baby would look like, be like, add to our family. Talking with the kids about the fun things that we could teach the baby. Making lists, together as a family, of things we needed to buy for baby. Coming up with baby names, and veto-ing others. I want to go back to planning and dreaming about what life would be like once our baby was here.

I want to go back to the day that we had our last ultra-sound. I woke up SO excited. We were going to find out if our baby was in fact a girl. We were going to go and start buying things for baby right after the appointment. I was about 6 months pregnant and we were so happy to finally get things ready to welcome our baby into our family.

I want to go back to the only hours I got to spend with my baby daughter. I want to go back to the moment I got to kiss her tiny little forehead. I want to go back to the few times I got to hold her and tell her how much I love her. I want to go back and watch my husband look at his baby girl with such awe and adoration. I want to go back and be able to sing "you are my sunshine" to her again, like I do with all my babies.

I want to go back to when she was still here. When she was still with me.

I want to go back to when my life made sense.

I want to go back to when I didn't spend my days crying and lonely.

I want to go back to being excited about our future.

I want to go back to having dreams for my expanding family.

I want to go back.

But I can't.

My life seems impossible right now. Impossible without her.

I just want to go back.

But I can't.

It's impossible.



Aria Dawson was silently born on May 19th.

The first cries heard were ours, not hers. While in Heavenly Fathers arms she lays, forever in our hearts she stays.