Silence
Tomorrow is six weeks.
Six weeks since I gave birth.
It was almost nine hours of labor.
It was so quiet in the delivery room. There were no machines to monitor her heart beat. It was just quiet.
All the nurses and doctors that came in, were so quiet. When the Dr. came in to give me my epidural, he literally did not say two words to me. Nothing. Came in, poked me, and left.
When she was born, she was silent.
The only ones in the room when she was born was her, Jason and I. There was no time to call the Dr. or nurse in. She just slipped out.
Silently.
We called the Dr. in, and they came tip toeing in. They did what they needed to do with me. They quietly wrapped her up and gave her to me. And then they left the room for awhile.
Jason and I sat there with our baby girl, in silence, for at the time, seemed like forever, but now, it wasn't enough.
They wheeled me into another room, using a back hall, so that I wouldn't hear any live babies being born.
They wheeled me somewhere quiet.
I sat there, all night long, starring, all night.
It started to rain outside. Thunder and Lightning.
So loud.
I embraced it.
The quietest place is at her grave.
Now, I'm afraid of the quiet. I don't like the silence.
Because my head is so loud. My head is full of her.
But I cry in silence. 
2 comments:
Your words are so honest and beautiful. I've read this post several times and just haven't known how to respond, but I don't want your blog to be another place of silence. I appreciate that you've shared your thoughts & feelings with us. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be.
I hurt so bad for you. Every time I'm around you I see the pain in your face and hear it in your voice. I wish I had the magic cure, but I know there is no cure for this...not even time.
At times I feel selfish because I hurt for myself too. I'm so sad that I don't get to hold another precious niece in my arms. I cry because I never got to meet her. I am so thankful to you for sharing her little momentos with me. Looking at her pictures and holding her tiny hand & feet molds in my hands are moments that will stay in my mind forever.
I just want you to know that I love that sweet girl and I will always remember Aria.
Your words are beautiful and so full of love. No matter what, through the silence I KNOW that baby girl knew and still KNOWS how much she is loved and misses you just as much as you miss her. I know that she is waiting to be with you again and watching over you all. You are an aMAZing woman and will come out of this on top like you always do! You will be stronger for you and your family, and your baby girl in Heaven. I can only imagine what a trial this has been for you and my heart literally ACHES for my bestey! I love you more than anything and am in awe every day at your strength. You never need to cry in silence, you have a LOT of people that love you and would love to let you cry on their shoulders. The silence is probably maddening, but the happy sounds of life will slowly start to fill that emptiness in and you will find joy again. That piece of your heart will never be replaced, but instead will grow with the desire to be with her again. I LOVE you!!!!!
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