Telling lies
I got a newsletter in the mail today from SHARE. SHARE is the organization that comes in and helps with stillborns. They took molds of Aria's feet and hands, they helped with her pictures, they dressed her. They were amazing, and I am so thankful they were there to help Jason and I that night. They do support groups and newsletters, they had Aria's name and date in there. It was weird to see her name listed with about a dozen other babies who are loved and missed so much from our local chapter. One of the babies is buried right next to Aria. The kids and I call the other baby "Aria's little friend." We went to leave flowers for Aria today, and the other baby had some too. In fact, every week when we go to Aria's the other baby has new flowers too. I wonder if I'll ever meet the other baby's Mommy?
Anyways, in the newsletter there was a poem, that hit close to home with me.
Ask My Mom How She Is
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life.
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll like and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say "you are lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"
Author Unknown
I am so exhausted from living a double life. To try to act normal, to act fine, to act like I'm okay. But I don't really feel that way. I feel so completely broken, and at times it takes every ounce of energy I have to smile and put on a brave face when I feel empty, literally empty. She isn't with me anymore. I had a nice round belly that I knew I was sharing with her. And now she's gone, and I feel like I have nothing and that I lost everything. My future is my children, I live for my children, and it's impossible sometimes, to face my day, my future, knowing that one of my kids isn't with me.
I have to get out of bed. I have to clean, make dinners, go to soccer. I take the kids to movies, I take them swimming. I started back with my cheerleaders this week. And every time I do something, people say, "how ya doing? You are looking good. I'm glad you are feeling better." Sometimes it takes every ounce of control I have not stick my tongue out and scream at the person. Just because I still do things with my other kids does not mean I'm over it, or that I'm better! I wasn't sick! I lost my daughter!!!
I feel like a completely different person than I used to be. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I find myself starring off into space ALL the time.......maybe I'm looking for her.
So yes, I seem to be doing better. I'll say I'm fine.
My life is a lie right now. One big act.
But that's the only way I can make it through the days.
I'm a liar.
3 comments:
I have been thinking about this post for a little while now and decided that I should post something. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a baby so far into a pregnancy, to hold her close and know that it will be a long time until you have the chance to raise her. But I do know what it is like to lose someone that you love. So while it is not the same thing, I hope that you can feel some level of understanding between us.
My heart aches for the pain that you are feeling and there really aren't words that can be said that will make any of it easier for you. I can only say how much I love and care for you and your family. And how much your well being and happiness truly matters to me. So during this time I wish you peace. I don't wish you to get over it, or to move on. But just to have some peace. Maybe just a little today, and a little more tomorrow just as much as you need.
There is one more thing I wanted to mention, the thing that I have been thinking about. You have mentioned how people have said that you "looked good" and they are happy that you are "feeling better". And while these may not be the most comforting comments to you (and I am not saying that this applies to everyone), but I think the thing to take from it is that people are trying.
No one knows the right thing to say, in fact the most comforting thing is sometimes just an understanding hug. But people do care, and everyone has their own way of showing it. It definitely isn't always the way that is comforting to us, but I have learned that taking away the actual words that were said, or deeds that were done and trying to feel the love that was intended is the best thing we can do.
We think of you often and love you a lot.
Christy,
Thank You for your comment. I know how difficult it is to leave a comment on someone's blog when you don't know how it will be recieved.
I have been trying to think of what and how to say the way that I'm feeling, but I just can't find the words.
I realize that people are trying to help, and show their love, and that is what I take away from it. That is why I said it takes a lot of control not to get upset, because I know it's coming from a place of love and concern, it's just the wrong thing to say, for me, right now.
I also understand that people don't know what to say, people have said a lot of things to me in the past almost 8 weeks that I felt were not the right things to say, but I do feel bad for them because who really knows what to say? No one, so I don't hold it against anyone.
I was just saying how I felt. I wasn't calling anyone out, I wasn't saying I thought everyone was insensitive and didn't have a clue, I wasn't saying I was upset with anyone, I was just saying that sometimes the things people say, and how they say them, hurt more than help, and it's really hard to smile and say "thank-you" when inside you feel like you were hit in the face.
That is what this post was about. Saying one thing and feeling another. I do love and appreciate everyone for their love and concern, even when they say things that are hard for me, so I do smile, and give hugs, and keep the conversation going, but inside I feel like crying.
I think one of the things that is the hardest is when people try to tell me how to grieve, or that I'm doing it wrong.
I understand that everyone has lost someone that they care for dearly in their life at some point. I realize that a lot of people have had stillborns. I sadly know that people have had to bury a child. It's hard, no matter your relationship, how long you've known the person, or how close you were to lose anyone. All anyone can do is to love one another, and to offer support to one another, and that is ALL I have felt from my family, friends, neighbors, ward, soccer teams, cheerleaders, everyone. I am very blessed to be surrounded by the people that I have built relationships with. I know that this is the only way I'm getting through this. Love is carrying me through.
I apologize if you, or anyone else, thought otherwise.
Heather
I am glad you shared that poem with us. Never have I dealt with the pain you are going through and I am glad you are expressing your feelings.
I know my worst heart ache in life came when Mason was taken from me, it was so hard to express my feelings. I too found myself living that lie. I know nothing I say will help take the pain away, for me the only thing that helped with the pain is growing my relationship with god. I didn't, and still don't, know why his plan included this, but I trusted him and knew I could get through it. I don't know why his plan for your family included this either, but I know he does have a plan for your family and it is full of great and wonderful things.
I hope my words can help in someway. I only wish the best for you and the family. Even now the words are escaping me for what I should say...I guess what I really need to say is I love you guys and think about you guys frequently.
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